Growing up, I was LOUD!!! Talkative, funny, but LOUD! My whole family was. I was very opinionated and a little too honest, so they say. I couldn’t stand seeing people being taken advantage of or hurt. I made a lot of battles my own that were not my own. All because I had a big heart. It’s funny because that’s how me and my honey met.
I was 15, enrolled in a new school, in a new neighborhood and my grandmother had just passed. I was upset with the changes in my life and started to become secluded. I had been dancing since I was 3 and wanted to take dance as my afternoon elective, because it was also my way of dealing with stress. That first week of school was crazy and not because I was new. But events took place that week that I never expected. The first person to introduce themselves to me was a girl who was 8 months pregnant. She was so petite and nice and yet I’m still in awe that I was 15 with a pregnant friend. Most of my friends had not even had sex yet. She was really smart and could talk your head off about anything. At first, because of what I was taught by my grandmother, I almost was scared to be seen with her. You know the old saying “birds of a feather flock together”. But why would I not be her friend just because of her situation. Her lessons were hers and I chose not to judge her for that. During our dance class on my 2nd day at school we started encountering bullying by some upperclassmen. You could tell it was done to haze the new girl, but I wasn’t feeling it. I ignored it for 2 days and then……….”WTF decides to push an 8 month old pregnant girl down in the locker room”. I Lost It! Every frustration, every pain, every bit of anger from my grandmothers death ended up all over the floor and apart of my bullies face. I didn’t even remember how it stopped. All I knew was that my friend was hurt and who knew if her baby was okay. Next thing I know hundreds of people were around and I was being carried to the principals office and The bully was hauled out on a stretcher. I still remember shaking uncontrollably looking at the blood on my hands. I was suspended for 1/2 day and had to write an essay about my actions. The next day I had people talking to me and coming up to me about what I did like I was some type of hero. But for me it was just how I was. I hated the fact that it went there but, I have ALWAYS been very protective of my friends and family. So, back to my crazy week with my new found friend. Her childs father also attended our school and at that time I guess their relationship was over and he wasn’t all in yet for being a daddy. This is where my honey comes in. My girlfriend keeps telling me about a new student that grew up around her ex boyfriends neighborhood and how she was going to get him to beat up her baby’s father. I had no intentions of being apart of this world wind but it was amusing. During my 6th period I had class in the portables and as we are walking she starts screaming this guys name. I’m laughing inside because I’m thinking this must be a nickname. He walks up and she introduces us. He looked Japanese with cornrows so I was really confused. He was sweet and laid back with the cutest smile. Her baby’s father was 6’3″ and at that time Rue was 5’9″. So I look at him and start saying ” you gonna fight him cause he need to be whooped for not taking care of his responsibility”. LOUD and wrong because I really didn’t know the situation but was just supporting my friend. He thought I was funny and LOUD, but he liked it. He had no intentions of getting involved in their drama because he was new to the school as well. From that day on he started inquiring about me.
For years, I forgot myself. How spontaneous, loyal and fun I was. That’s what attracted him to me. I was happy in my own skin and wanted everyone to feel the same way. But as I aged I moved away from being ME. Caught up in other people’s judgements that I lost sight of myself. I LOVED Me growing up, not in conceit but real love for myself. And from society, peer pressure, and numerous other things I started to second guess myself. It was like a part of me died with my grandmother. My beautiful brown grandmother who knew how to tell her brown baby that brown was in even when it wasn’t.
Even with my mother being my rock I still felt she couldn’t understand me.
Here is why:
Me -the darkest of my siblings, my hair was thick (nappy as people said back then), I was born with thick hips and solid legs with a calf muscle that could balance a seesaw.
Mom- light skin, fine curly hair, thin in the waist, hips and a shelf for a buttocks
It took years for me to throw out all the negative remarks I endured over the years from family, friends, and people that evidently had issues themselves.
“why you don’t have hair like your mother?my sisters teasing that I was adopted, why your legs so thick? How come you are so dark?
And all in All it is because God made me the way I’m supposed to be. Either Love Me or Leave me alone. But forgetting myself and fighting over other people’s perceptions was pushing away the man who fell in love with me.
Now that I’ve gotten back to the 1st true love of my life-ME, The possibilities are endless.
“Looking back, you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life, and that person was you. It is not too late to become that person again.” Robert Brault